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Most men feel self-worth based on how much responsibility they can
take on, but feel a threat to self-worth if they take on
responsibility and then disappoint people. Part of their hesitation
to say, "I love you," is that it starts them subconsciously down the
road to increasing responsibility with the next steps being: "Let's
live together," "Let's get engaged," "Let's get married," "Let's
have kids," "Let's buy a house." This sequence makes sense from the
woman’s point of view when building a family and life together. (It
is actually analogous to how a man builds his career, i.e. get the
job, told you’re doing a good job, expect raise and/or promotion,
expect bigger and better titles, etc.)
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"The first time
my fiancé ever said
'I Love You'
to me was on our
fourth anniversary...
The Night he proposed!
Don't ever lose hope. I knew he
loved me by the way he treated me and the way he kissed me
the first time I said it to him."
Laura Lewis,
Founder, Couples Company, Inc.
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Here’s the problem. If the man has
already had failures in his life-- with marriage, guilt
about kids now coming from broken home, child and spousal
support, etc. -- he is hesitant to add more commitments to
the list of things where he thinks there is a likelihood
that he will disappoint even more people.
What to do with this insight? Check it
out with your man to see if it is true. If it is and if you
show you understand him, he may be able to exhale and when
he exhales and relaxes into your understanding it will
replace his feeling tense when he feels pressured by you.
Exhaling and then relaxing will open his mind and create
more mind space to see how he can take on more
responsibilities without getting freaked out. Because you
have been empathic and understanding vs. nagging him, he
will feel grateful and be more likely to show generosity to
you by making more commitments. |
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He may even start to say, "I love you." And best
of all, he'll mean it.
Share your communication dilemmas under
the "comments" at the
Usable Insight blog.
© 2007 Mark Goulston
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Usable Insight. |
