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You’re probably looking for suggestions on how you can handle it
better or get past it and on how to communicate better with your
wife.
I was trying to think of a direct approach such as
telling her what you’re feeling, but it seems that you’ve tried that
and she’s closed to that approach. Here are some other things to
try.
Think of some frustrating situations in your life
that you never thought you could get over or past. Remember the
specific incidents, and what you did or resisted doing that enabled
you to get through them. Think of things you did that made the
situations worse. You should be able to identify some commonality
to how you have coped in the past. Maybe you just let time pass or
maybe you started to exercise or maybe you had a friend or confidant
you could talk to or maybe you went to a counselor or therapist.
What you’re going to be looking for are instances when you took
action instead of being in a victim position (which is a real turn
off in relationships). Just realizing you’ve made it through tough
times in the past may reassure you that you’ll get through this
one. Then try to take a similar action this time.
Another approach is to catch yourself when you’re
feeling frustrated with her and try to nip your frustration in the
bud before it slides in feeling like a victim or self-righteous,
both of which are destructive. At that moment, think of three
things you’re deeply grateful to her for (what she has brought to
your life, taught you, make you aware of, etc.). You’ll feel you
can’t be grateful and feel cheated out of something at the same
moment. Then think of three things that make you not the easiest
person to be with (too passive, whiny, jealous, etc.). This will
help you feel humility which will counteract self-righteousness.
Then you might even want to share these discoveries with your wife
(they are actually complimentary to her and show you taking
responsibility for you side of problems in your marriage).
Still another tact is to see what you could be doing
differently to make you more effective at work and in the world with
other people. Few things turn on a woman more than a man who has
confidence, goals, drive and is effective.
A third option is to consider medication if your
thoughts are becoming too obsessive. You can talk with your family
doctor about this or perhaps get a consultation with a psychiatrist.
Good luck.
Dr. Mark |
