|
The key to preventing violence is to raise children and
teen-agers to be effective in their personal and work lives.
"Coaching" children to cope with the upsetting events of
childhood will help them grow into adults who would rather get
ahead in life than blame and get even.
For instance, imagine an 8-year-old who had an "accident" and
wet his pants in class. After being ridiculed by the other
children, the child comes home after school and receives one of
these responses from a parent:
Critical/abusive. "I told you not to drink so much water at
breakfast. Why didn't you go to the bathroom before you left for
school?"
Neglectful/depressed. "C'mon already. I just did the laundry. Go
change your clothes, wash up, and don't be late for dinner. I've
got too much to do already."
TOP
Excessive/spoiling. "Oh, my poor little baby! How awful for you!
Here, let me hold you and make it all better. What did those
mean kids do to you?"
The first two reactions will make the child feel alone, rejected
or dejected. The third reaction is softer, but feeling sorry for
your child does little to prepare him to deal with life more
effectively. Instead, the child may escape into food, television
or video games where he can readily dispatch an enemy with the
flick of a finger.
But what if the child received a fourth response at home? A
supportive coach who has a dialogue with their child such as
this:
Parent (calmly and tenderly): What happened to you, honey?
Child: Oh, nothing.
Parent: Something happened, didn't it?
Child: I'm OK.
Parent (calm but firm): No, you're not. Honey, what happened?
(sitting down) Come over here and tell me.
TOP
Child: Everybody laughed at me.
Parent: Tell me what happened?
Child: I peed in my pants.
Parent: Oh, I'm so sorry. What happened?
Child: I thought I could wait until recess, but then I sneezed
and had an accident. Then everyone started pointing at me and
laughing.
Parent: Oh, my. Then what did you do?
Child: I started to cry (starts to cry).
Parent: Oh, honey, you felt real hurt, didn't you?
Child: Uh, huh. (Starting to sob).
Parent: I know honey, I know (hugging without smothering).
Child (after 15-30 seconds of tears): Mommy, I don't want to go
back to school. TOP
Parent: I know you don't, but you have to. I'll drive you
tomorrow and talk to the teacher and pick you up so you can tell
me how it went.
Child: But what do I do when the kids look at me and tease me?
Parent: You can beat them to the punch. Go up to them as soon as
you get a chance and say: "Boy, was I embarrassed about peeing
in my pants yesterday. I felt like a real baby. Has that ever
happened to any of you?" If you go first, they're not going to
be able to tease you as easily. If you already call yourself a
baby for what happened yesterday, it makes no sense for them to
call you one. They'll just look stupid."
The actual dialogue is not as important as talking and walking
the child through his upset. In this conversation the child
wasn't criticized, neglected or made to feel like a baby. The
parent calmed the child by helping him feel less alone, and
prepared him by coaching him on how to handle the situation more
effectively. As a result, the child didn't have to resort to a
negative coping mechanism that wouldn't prepare him to deal with
adult obstacles.
Children who have enough of these responses internalize the
experience. When they feel upset as adults, instead of reacting
with anger and violence, they can turn to this internalized
preparation from childhood and know: "It will be OK. I can get
through this."
|
