1. Do know what went wrong in
your last marriage.
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Do not
go into a second marriage having no idea of why the first
failed.
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Marriages Do not end because of conflicts, but because you and
your ex could not completely resolve them when they came up. What
were the conflicts that you and your ex could not resolve? What
would you and your spouse-to-be need to do differently to work
through similar problems?
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2. Do know what's
important to you in a mate. |
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Do not
be clueless as to the traits you can't stand.
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What disappointed, hurt and angered you the most about your ex? What
should he or she have done differently? What disappointed, hurt or
angered your ex most about you? Ask your mate-to-be to write
down the answers to similar questions, then exchange lists. Talk
about how to deal with such potential problems ahead of time.
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3. Do know what
completely turns you off in a mate. |
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Do not
go into a second marriage expecting love will conquer all.
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This is, thankfully, the flip side of No. 2. Make a list of the top
five things that are important to you in a mate. Express them as
positives rather than negatives. (For example, write, "Hear me out"
rather than "Not close down when I try to talk"). Have your mate do
the same. Exchange lists and talk about how to put -- and keep --
these things into your relationship.
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4. Do ask more when you
do not understand. |
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Do not
presume to know more than you do.
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Instead of interrupting your mate when you're in an argument, ask
him or her to tell you more or to tell you in a different way,
because you Do not want to misunderstand something that's so
important to them. Stay away from words like "never," "always,"
"won't" and "I Do not care."
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5. Do say what you want,
need, dislike and fear. |
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Do not expect your
spouse to read your mind. |
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Talk about these things when you are not
in the heat of an argument. It is very difficult to respect each
other's boundaries if you don't know what they are.
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6. Do recognize early
signs of problems and nip them in the bud before they grow
too large. |
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Do not be
oblivious to red flags when they're staring you in the face.
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Before you become angry, you usually
feel hurt, disappointed or frightened by something you mate has said
or done. Anger is a way of covering up vulnerability. Explain your
hurt, disappointment or fear, and avoid speaking from anger.
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7. Do anticipate and
have a plan for dealing with people from your first
marriage. |
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Do not assume
that everyone you know will easily accept your new marriage.
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It may take some time and work for your
children, friends and family to adjust to your new marital
situation.
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8. Do regularly and
formally plan time to be with your spouse. |
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Do not assume
that you'll always be able to find time to be together.
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When you're in the honeymoon period of a
relationship, many aspects of work, family and friendships take a
backseat. After the honeymoon comes back down to Earth, however,
there is a natural tendency for your love relationship to take a
backseat to everything else in your life. By formally making and
taking time to be alone with each other, you keep your relationship
important. TOP
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9.
Do be aware of how you
contribute to problems. |
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Do not blame
everything on your spouse. |
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The best way to get your mate to show
remorse and to take some responsibility for problems is to bare your
own neck and to own up to some of the problems you've caused.
Ask him or her to point out other problems you have been causing
that he or she feels you either minimize or seem to ignore. Then ask
if, in the spirit of catching and correcting problems early, you can
reveal what's bothering you about him or her. This may not work
perfectly, but has a better chance than attacking your partner with
criticism. TOP
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10. Do thank,
compliment, apologize and tell your mate that you love him
or her. |
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Do not expect
him or her to know. |
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How many men have said when their wives
ask them, "Do you love me?" and responded "You know I do."
"Then why do you never say it?"
Men assume showing is the same as
telling and she will know it without you having to say it. It
is not the same. Whether it is I'm sorry, I love you
or I miss you, articulating your sentiments often will keep
your new marriage strong.
Say these things to your mate whenever you feel them. Doing so
causes you to bare your neck and show the vulnerability that helps
intimacy to grow. |
