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Dear CHECKMATE,
Don’t you just miss those
great days and dates when you were first going out and neither
of you could do anything wrong?
Welcome to the world of:
“Everything would just be fine if only you would agree that I’m
right and then we do what I want.”
If you’re like most
couples, I don’t think either of you is saying: “I’m right and
you’re wrong.” It’s probably more likely that you’re saying,
“Hey, I’m not ALWAYS wrong.” This means that you’re probably
not arrogant and trying to put each other down. You’re each
just trying to defend yourself from being criticized.
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When you’re on the
defensive and the other person doesn’t feel they’re attacking
you, it feels to them as if you’re on the offensive.
So what can you do to break
the “dance of death” that you say you get locked in?
What I’m about to tell you
is not only the single key to successful relationships; IT’S THE
ANSWER TO PEACE ON EARTH. It’s simple, but it’s not easy. But
once you’re able to do it, your relationships will be better
than they have ever been.
Try to see you through the
eyes of your husband, then feel what he must feel, and then tell
him.
Even relationship experts
are not immune from problems. My terrific wife of 20+ years and
I know the “dance” that you’re speaking of. A couple months
ago, we were at dinner and I noticed she had a lot on her mind.
Although she can occasionally overdo it, she’s much, much better
at the details of our family than me and keeps all of us from
falling through the cracks.
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I suddenly looked at me
through her eyes and what I saw was chilling. I say how alone
and unassisted she felt by me in many of the everyday
responsibilities in our life.
I said to her: “I’m very
little help to you in all the things you have to keep track of.
Isn’t that true?” Her eyes teared up, because she felt
validated and understood instead of my more typically critical
response of: “For crying out loud, will you stop worrying so
much about everything?” Then I looked at her and said: “I’m
sorry.” Things have been great ever since.
So next time you get stuck
in YOUR dance, try saying to your husband, “You really hate how
stubborn I can be and it really frustrates you how it can really
mess up an evening or a weekend. Isn’t that true?” Then say
you’re sorry.
His eyes may not tear up, but he’ll be grateful and admire you
for breaking your checkmate. Ironically in these battles of the
heart, the person who owns up to their side of the problem
first, wins.
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