"Be quick to praise.
People like to praise those who praise them."
—Bernard Baruch

Why are we so blind to our partners' efforts? For one thing, it's hard to keep score. When he forgets to clean up after a midnight snack, for example, the evidence is in the sink in the morning. But how do you keep track of the times he does clean up? Violations are not only easier to spot, but we deliberately look for them because they serve a purpose: they give us an excuse to cut back our own efforts. They also justify our anger. In long-term relationships, anger builds up over time, and we sometimes feel irate without an immediate cause. It's uncomfortable to be angry for no reason, so we look for evidence, like detectives searching for clues to justify a suspicion. Unfortunately, finding fault not only creates resentment, it keeps us from appreciating each other. TOP

It is far easier to work on a relationship if both parties focus on the other's efforts as well as their own. To help couples do this, I encourage them to answer the following questions. It helps them shift from disapproval to appreciation.
 

Working at a relationship means doing what is in the best interest of two, even if it doesn't come naturally. To stick with it, we need to see our partner struggle as hard as we do. In the end, what counts is not what we do to each other, but what we do for and with each other. If you really want to work on your relationship, watch your partner's efforts, not just your own.

Usable insight: If you really want to work on your relationship, watch your partner's efforts, not just your own. TOP

Taking action

When you think your partner is not doing his or her share, ask yourself whether being resentful and fault-finding will help you or your relationship. Practice the three A's: awareness, appreciation and acknowledgment:

• Become aware of your partner's efforts. Try to notice the little things he or she does for the good of the relationship.
• Appreciate that those efforts demand compromise and sacrifice-and that your partner loves you enough to try.
• Acknowledge your partner's contributions. Don't keep your appreciation to yourself.

After you establish a track record using the three A's, you might find that your partner's behavior spontaneously changes. Sometimes people do things you don't like because they don't feel appreciated.

If you still feel shortchanged by your partner's lack of effort, ask yourself if your objections are fair and reasonable. If they are, try to express any hurt and frustration you might feel without sounding critical.

Tell your partner what changes you would like him to make. Ask if he thinks these changes are fair and reasonable, and if he is willing to make the effort. Ask him if there are any changes he would like to see you make.

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 Watch your partner's efforts, not just your own.