| "Why should I bother trying? You're not willing to do a damn thing!"
"What? I'm the one who's making all the changes. I don't see you trying at
all!"
That is a typical exchange in couples therapy. In an effort to reduce friction in a
relationship, most of us are willing to do things to satisfy our partners even if they
don't come easily—get rid of an annoying habit, for instance, or help with the
chores, or try to hold our temper. Such changes can take considerable effort, but we are
usually willing to try—if we think our partner is trying just as hard. But if our
partner seems unwilling to match us effort for effort, we get resentful and try less hard
ourselves.
Unfortunately, instead of focusing on our partners' attempts to improve the
relationship, we tend to notice what they're doing wrong and what they're not
contributing. Naturally, they respond with the same tunnel vision, and the cycle of
resentment spirals downward until no one is appreciated and no one is doing the necessary
work.
"If we had no faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing
those of others."
—Francois, Duc De La Rochefoucauld
Like many couples, Ross and Nancy Koestler fought over money. Ross, who had grown up
poor and worked his way into the middle class, accused his wife of being a reckless
spender. Under pressure because business was stagnant, he questioned Nancy's every
purchase and exploded if he thought she had been extravagant. Nancy, a freelance
photographer raised in an affluent family, saw Ross as a tight-fisted man who would rather
hoard money than allow himself or his family any pleasure. She felt hurt that he didn't
trust her judgment. TOP
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