What He Does:
He's Captain
Affectionate when you're alone but clams up in a group; or
only opens up after he's had a few drinks. "It's common
for a man to think that if he's too loving towards you in
public, people will judge him as less of a man," explains
Dr.
Mark Goulston, assistant professor of clinical
psychiatry at UCLA, co-founder of Couples Company and author of the book
The 6 Secrets of
a Lasting Relationship.
What
You Can Do: Share something about
yourself first as an emotional open-sesame plan: "My
girlfriend said she hated it when her female friends kept
feelings bottled up until they ended up having a fight,"
says Sam, 27, a sales manager. "That led to a pow-wow
about our relationship." If you start the chat and he
looks at you like you've just suggested painting his room
baby blue, try a compromise. "The next time you try to
kiss him in public and he shrugs it off, lightheartedly
say, 'Okay, I get the message-you don't want to kiss in
public, but will you at least hold my hand?"' suggests
Evelyn Cohen, a marriage and family therapist and
co-author of Couple Fits. "If you approach it like you're
bargaining-not demanding-you might find a trade-off that
makes you both happy."
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Situation #2:
He's distracted by other issues in his life
Surprise! His distant mood may have nothing to do with
you. "There's no hidden reason for being cold to my
girlfriend," states Ken, 27, an accountant. "Usually, I'm
just stressed out from work and I'd rather watch the
game."
What He Does:
He always turns cold in
response to specific things-like right after he speaks to
his parents or when the topic of money comes up. "When I'm
working through problems, it's hard to focus on my
girlfriend," admits Adam, 30, a stockbroker. "She said it
used to hurt her feelings when I was cold to her, but now
she understands what stresses me out and that the mood has
nothing to do with her."
What You
Can Do: Try some lighthearted prying. You
could toss out a line like, "I'm over here wearing a tank
top, and for some reason you're thinking about taxes." He
may not have even noticed he was being distant.
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Situation
#3:
He doesn't want to get too serious (at least not yet)
Don't assume his distant attitude means he doesn't worship
the ground you walk on. Still, he may be wary of a
we're-on-the-wedding-track relationship, or maybe he
doesn't want to give you the wrong impression about his
deep feelings too soon. "Guys see relationships as
pendulums," explains Ian, 26, a law student. "If we swing
too far to the affectionate side of the pendulum, we
think, 'Did I go too far?" So we instinctively jump back
to convince ourselves, 'Hey I'm still my own man.'"
What He Does:
He goes Antarctic on you right
after you send a signal that you're driving faster down
the relationship road than he is. "The first time I slept
with my girlfriend, it was very lovey-dovey," recalls Tom,
26, a restaurant manager. "But the next morning I sensed
that she was already mentally naming our kids, so I tried
to retract some of the closeness by being distant."
What You
Can Do: Your friends might tell you to
back off so he'll realize how much he misses you. But it's
best to try a little honesty instead: no, you don't have
to confess your two-car-garage fantasies, simply let him
know you'd like to see him more often than the bimonthly
plan he's been backing. "A guy's biggest gripe about women
is that they play too many head games," says Jason, 31, a
chef. "My girlfriend just used to say, 'I like spending
time with you.' She wasn't all gushy and she didn't
pressure me to say the same thing. She just told me the
truth, and it was no big deal."
Cohen agrees: "Go ahead and share what's on your
mind. If he can't deal with it, he's not the one for you
anyway."
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Situation #4:
He doesn't want to scare you off
Maybe he's secretly sizing up diamonds, but he's worried
that you don't feel the same way, so he gives you the
impression that he's pitched a tent on Pluto.
What He Does:
He blurts out the "L" word
surprisingly soon or sends you an intimate, heartfelt
e-mail just before going icy. "I've done this," admits
Rafeal, 23, a personal trainer. "But I don't consciously
think I'd better back off for two weeks. It just happens."
What You
Can Do: Reel him back from his distant
planet by asking him out or e-mailing him first. "Every
guy is terrified that when he tells a woman he really
likes her, she is going to reject and humiliate him,"
admits Brandon, 29, a writer. "We just want you to
reassure us that you're interested."
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Situation #5:
He's buying time until he sorts out his feelings
Hmm, is that the distant sound of a dump-truck engine
revving up? "Even if I'm pretty sure I want to end things,
I usually put it off for a few weeks to give myself more
time to think about it," admits Andrew, 33, an engineer.
Adds Cohen, "It could be that he wants to break up but
hasn't found a way to bring it out into the open yet."
What He
Does: His distant moods consistently
outweigh his cuddly ones. And if you ask him what's up, he
totally denies that he's been acting distant, "When a man
wants out, he'll often take the all-around easiest route:
He'll act miserably so that you'll kick him out," explains
Dr.
Goulston. "That way he doesn't have to do the dirty
work and look like the bad guy."
What You
Can Do: If he is trying to put a 10-foot
pole between you, take the upper hand. Say something like,
"You don't seem like you're into this, so let's take a
two-week break to think about things." After the two
weeks, see how you both feel. "I took a break from my
moody boyfriend, Jim," explains Lisa, 30, an accountant.
"Afterward, he admitted he'd been a jerk, but by then it
was too late. This was the guy who always showed up late
and didn't even call me from his six-day vacation. Why
would I go back for more? He looked so shocked when I told
him thanks, but no thanks, and a woman at the coffee shop
who heard our conversation actually high-fived me as I
walked out the door!"
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|
Excerpts From the May 2002 issue of Woman's
Own Magazine,
(July 2002 cover shown) |
|
