Maxim, Dec 2000    By Laurina Gibbs
and Leslie Yazel
Featuring Dr. Mark

You’ve defied all expectations and actually landed the perfect girlfriend. Well, almost perfect. Sure, she’s great. In fact, you’re lucky she’ll have you. Yet you can’t help but imagine how much better she could be with just a few slight adjustments. Don’t feel guilty for thinking this way. She knows this terrain better than you ever will—or had you forgotten you never used to pick your clothes up off the floor, eat soy instead of steak, or sacrifice Monday Night Football for a Lifetime movie of the week? Face it, your girlfriend has excelled at getting you to drop some of your bachelor habits to mold you into better boyfriend material, giving you all the more reason to steal a few moves from her playbook. Whether you want her to lighten up on your buddies, show a bit more “passion,” or ease up on her obsessive-compulsive cleaning, follow our devious tricks for getting her to change—without her even knowing it. TOP

Sex up her dress code
Got a girl who’s sexy as hell, but dresses like a private in the Salvation Army? Yes, you can get her to trade in those corrective shoes and granny panties for some strappy sandals and a thong, but tread carefully. For starters, never compliment other women wearing hot clothes—it’ll make her think you’re ogling. Similarly, if you show up with, say, a sexy miniskirt you picked out for her, she might feel you’re imposing your tastes on her. “In the same way men want to feel admired, women want to feel cherished,” says Mark Goulston, M.D., author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship. “Bringing home some skimpy lingerie or clothing could make her feel like a piece of meat.” Instead, take her shopping. “It’s very appealing to women because it’s a rare occurrence, and it shows real interest,” says Dr. Lisa Douglass, co-author of The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Sex. “Just ‘happen’ to walk by a store that sells sexy clothes and say, ‘Let’s go in there. I’d love to see how that looks on you.’ ” Very likely you’d rather eat glass than look at hemlines, but try to be patient and remember this is a long-term play. When you’re done shopping, find (or, better still, make) an occasion for her to don one of the newly purchased outfits. Then, when you’re out together, make sure she knows how hot you think she looks. Seal the deal by relaying a compliment from one of your male friends. “I was wearing a snug-fitting dress, and my boyfriend slid up to me and said, ‘All the guys are checking you out. John keeps telling me how great you look.’ It made me feel like quite a prize, I’ll tell you that,” says Anna, 25. She’ll want to maintain the admiration she’s receiving, which in turn should make the changes in her wardrobe stick. TOP

Slash her pre-date prep time
You’ve been ready for 20 minutes. She’s parading her fifth outfit in front of you, moaning, “I’ve got nothing to wear.” Sure, makeup and all that takes girls longer—but what about when it starts getting ridiculous? “Spending hours getting ready is a sign of insecurity,” says Goulston. To combat the problem, reassure her that she looks beautiful in everything she puts on. Or avoid the whole changing nightmare by asking her to help you decide what you should wear hours before she needs to get ready. That will jump-start her thinking about her own preparations. Then let her know exactly what time you guys need to leave the house—giving yourself a nice cushion, of course—but make sure to stay out of her way while she’s getting ready to go. Don’t hurry her—she’ll just get frustrated and that will lead to an argument, which means you’ll never leave the house. Finally, if all else fails, try booking things right after she gets off work so there’s no time for a pit stop at her bottomless closet at home. TOP

Get her to lighten up on your buddies
Your girlfriend thinks your pals are beneath you. Truth be told, it’s hard to portray a bunch of beer-guzzling Vikings fans as knights in shining armor. Here’s how to keep it copacetic. Make her understand why these guys are your friends. First, soften her up with sensitive speak. Play up the loyalty and male-bonding angle: “I know Billy is unreliable, but we’ve shared a lot of experiences together. When we met, we just clicked.” The unspoken message: If you like me, you have to accept people who are an important part of my past. Next, drop a compliment from one of your friends: “Jake has told me how he thinks you’re so nice and easygoing.” This will not only make it hard for her to say anything bad about your pal (how could she not like someone who adores her?) but will encourage the nice, easygoing behavior you’re complimenting. Lastly, pick the least offensive guy in your group and invite him over for dinner, so she can see what he’s like in a less rowdy environment. “I used to hate my boyfriend’s best friend,” says Erin, 27. “He was loud and obnoxious when we would all hang out together. But when he came over to my place for dinner my entire opinion of him changed. The usually anti-social psycho was so much calmer and actually kind of sweet, one-on-one. When my boyfriend went out to pick up dessert, we had such a great conversation. I learned that away from the crowd we had stuff in common, and I didn’t have to listen to him recite boring sports stats.” TOP

Turn her into a demon in the sack
To you, missionary means helping the poor; to her, it’s standard procedure in bed. How do you get her to have a headboard-busting good time? “Some women are sexually inhibited,” says sex and relationships expert Sari Locker, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex. “This may be someone who has a poor body image, with little sexual experience, or whose family or religion raised them to think sex is dirty or immoral.” To up her comfort level, start off with a lot of romantic foreplay. Set the scene with a clichéd-but-safe dinner for two. “Choose music that has the rhythm you want sex to have,” says Locker. “And have a couple of glasses of wine—no more than that—to help reduce her inhibitions.” To really loosen her up, you have to be able to talk about sex. Keep communication open. Because some women are shy and don’t know how to ask for what they want, you should take the initiative. “Ask, ‘What’s good for you? How can I make sex better?’” says Locker. “Then reassure her.” If she’s self-conscious about her body, compliment areas she thinks are trouble spots before you get in the bedroom. Run your hand across her rear and say, “You have the most beautiful body…” Telling her how sexy/gorgeous/wild she is will help shift her from missionary to chandelier-swinging mode. Make appreciative noises even if she’s still quiet as a mouse. Want to spice things up with sex toys and porn videos? The next time the two of you are in the bookstore, linger in the erotica section. Happen by a porn video store or an adult toy store and drag her in laughing. If she’s still apprehensive despite your X-rated outings, go online and order something together. (Check out the Good Vibrations Web site, www.goodvibes.com. It has symbols next to vibrators that focus on women’s pleasure.) “You can’t just say, ‘Honey, I’d love to use sex toys,’ and then leave it up to her to take care of it. It just isn’t fair,” says Douglass. “If you’re going to suggest it, and you’re going to benefit from it, you should help to make it happen.” Take it slow: Some women feel threatened by a battery-powered accessory because they’re afraid you might use it as a replacement for them. So don’t push her, or your efforts could backfire and leave you high and dry, all alone with your new purple vibrator. TOP

Nix her nagging
She berates you if you go out, stay in, don’t take the trash out, don’t let the cat in, don’t bring her flowers, or do bring her flowers… What do you have to do to make that constant buzzing go away? “There’s a difference between women who start off as naggers and those who become them,” says Goulston. “If she’s criticizing and she wasn’t a nag before, maybe you’re saying you’ll do things and not following through.” In this situation, decide if you’re making commitments you’re not delivering on and be prepared to find compromise solutions. For example: say, “I’m not avoiding taking out the trash—I just don’t think of it. Any way I could get you to leave it out where I can’t miss it?” Once she sees you’re willing and able to deliver on your promises and negotiate, her need to nag should gradually disappear. The badgering might have to do with deeper control issues, though, and you might end up having to become her therapist. Goulston suggests: “In this case, the complaining is a way to make her feel superior and make you feel inadequate. If you’re not doing this, that, or the other, then you’re not doing your part.” In this scenario, you’ll have to spend a lot of time reassuring her and gently probing her motivations for her endless pestering. Ultimately, the relationship may become more work than laughs. “The guy ends up hating her; he buys her gifts because he feels guilty about hating her, and he’ll always feel inadequate because he’ll never be able to please her,” says Goulston. If this happens to be the case, you might want to scope out a new girlfriend. TOP

Cure her neat-freak habits
You like a clean pad as much as the next guy (in theory, anyway), but her habit of pouncing on your coffee mug as soon as it touches the table is starting to get to you. The way to tackle her obsession? The key, as with nagging, is compromise. “Tell her you’ll clean out the kitchen if the bedroom can be more relaxed or off-limits,” says Douglass. Use non-confrontational language (remember: sensitive speak) to get your point across, such as “If our relationship is going to move forward, we have to work on this.” Kim, 32, explains, “My laid-back boyfriend would leave the dishes in the sink, put his foot up on the clean coffee table, and leave his socks on the floor. When he couldn’t take any more of my compulsive cleaning up, he sat me down and we laid the ground rules as to who would take care of what. His den was his space, and he could leave it as much of a pit as he wanted as long as he cleaned the kitchen.” Again, humor may be your best friend in getting your way. If she’s not clinically diagnosed as compulsive, and is just a little retentive, use a warm, jokey manner to soften things up and get your point across: “Whoa, babe, you left the pizza box on the dining room table for a whole 20 minutes after we finished eating, you wild woman!” TOP

Get her to whip herself into shape
No matter how far she’s slipped along that Olympic-to-Oreo axis, unless you want to deal with door slams and sex embargoes, a flat-out suggestion to hit the gym is not the solution. “Beauty is to women what power is to men,” says Goulston. “Just as guys don’t like women asking about the directions because it implies incompetence, women don’t want men criticizing their appearance.” So if she complains about her physique, your standard line is “You look great, you turn me on, great body, ooh baby.” Otherwise, you may never see her butt-naked again. But that doesn’t mean you can’t nudge her in the right direction. Complain a few times about being a little hefty yourself. This will get her subconsciously thinking about the state of her own thighs. “When my boyfriend, who has a little gut but otherwise is completely sexy and muscle-bound, said that, I thought, Geez, if he thinks he needs to tone up his bod, I’d better get my jiggly thighs on the Stairmaster,” admits Lisa, 30. If that subtle attempt doesn’t fly, and you’re willing to fork out the dough, buy her a bike, smile sweetly and say, “I thought we’d go riding…together.” As Amy, 28, explains: “If a man bought me a big-ticket gift like that I’d be thinking, What a generous guy I’ve got, not that he’s saying anything critical about my butt.” As a last resort, if she’s still downing doughnuts and hiding her sports bra, find a female personal trainer or female workout buddy, and casually mention how much fun it is to work out with her. Your gal’s jealousy gene will spring into action and she’ll hit the gym with you in no time flat. “I really hate to sell out my gender, but it works,” says Lisa, 27. “When I slacked off going to the gym and my boyfriend brought his friend instead, I wasn’t happy. So, I have to say I was right back in the gym quick.” This should go without saying, but if you’re packing lard yourself, this entire approach will be a hard sell. You might want to ask yourself whether it’s fair to expect your gal to look like a Seinfeld girl if you’re George Costanza. TOP

Get her cooking like George Foreman
Ask her to whip up a four-course meal, and you’re more likely to get a sneer and “Yeah, right.” Instead, suggest cooking dinner together. She’ll see the activity as a relationship builder rather than just work. (Chances are she won’t let you do more than chop an onion or two, anyway.) Then, while you’re out with the friends, pour on the flattery. “The other night, Lisa made an amazing lasagna.” Nudge her and add, “Honey, it was so good, it’s obvious you’d kick ass at anything you cooked.” A little pressure in front of her friends will get her thinking, ‘Oh, shit, now I actually have to learn to cook to keep up my new rep!’ As one woman explains, “It’s like when a guy says you give great blow jobs and it makes you want to do it more because you know you’re good at it.” Don’t go too overboard with the praise—tell her that the warm toast she slapped down was the best meal of your life and she’ll either call your bullshit or feel cornered. Finally, make sure you reward her for her efforts. Take her out with the words, “Honey, because you were so good to me, let me do something nice for you.” Easy as pie. TOP

Rein in her wild spending
Not only is she burning through the credit cards, wasting money better spent on fly-fishing vacations, but she’s also becoming mind-numbingly boring about people named Donna Karan and Emmanuel Ungaro, strangers who are apparently encouraging her to buy even more stuff. What to do? “Suggest forgoing a few skirts and saving up for a trip for the two of you,” says Locker. “It will make her understand that her spending habits directly affect whether you take that Caribbean vacation.” If that fails, try the work-reward system. “Whenever I’ve been working my ass off for a period of time, my guy will say, ‘You know, why don’t you buy that skirt you wanted. Why feel guilty? You’ve earned it,’ ” says Anna, 27. “This way I don’t spend unless I have something to justify it.” Note: Finesse is crucial. Harp on her spending habits too much and she’ll think, “What a cheap bastard” and might spend even more to retaliate. TOP

Fire her lust for the great outdoors
You want to spend your vacation roughing it, but she wants a pleasure cruise. How do you change her mind? “There are two kinds of women,” says Goulston. “The sensuous, and the sexy: Sensuous women are low maintenance, easy to please, and tend to like the outdoors. Sexy women are high maintenance, harder to please, and wish nature was cleaner and came with shiny flush toilets.” If your gal needs the amenities, plan well. “The more preparations you make, the more you’ll show you care about her happiness,” says Goulston. “Tell her you’ll pack the bug repellent, a healthy stock of toilet paper, and a cooler full of food. Or better yet, take the initiative. Say, ‘Tell me every single thing you need, and I’ll prepare it for you.’ ” Then, pump the trip up as a pivotal point in the relationship. “Let her know how important it is to you,” says Goulston. “Tell her, ‘I love camping, and I go with the guys every year. But this time, I really want to go camping with you. She’ll think, He chose me over the guys? One step closer to commitment.” If she’s still hesitant, find the nearest Motel 6 and promise that if things get dicey, you’ll pull the rip cord. Give the girl a chance to prove why beds are better.

Caveat From Couples Company:

Maxim writes for 18-30 year old males and the advice in this article is appropriate for that age group dating 18-30 year old women.  It is not appropriate for a forty year old man dating a thirty-five year old woman.  Take into account your dates age and choose behavior appropriate to your date's level of maturity.

Copyright 2000 Maxim Magazine