How to Survive When Your Kids Leave Home

by Mark Goulston, MD

Doesn't it seem like yesterday that your kids were running around in diapers and now they're out of the house for good? The time has passed as quickly as some of those childhood-years crises lasted.

Even if your kids still need you, they're going to act as if they don't want you. Instead of going where you're no longer wanted, why not shift your focus to the rest of your life?

Here are some tips to make the transition smoother:

Career and personal coaches help their clients by asking them where they would like to be in five years and then breaking the goals into monthly steps. Try this: Imagine yourself at age 85 and nearing the end of your life. Write down specifically what you would like to look back on in terms of your personal life, career, hobbies, relationships, love life, family and accomplishments. 

Look at all your activities in the above areas of your life. Is what you're doing in each area going to get you to where you want to end up? If not, then you are engaging in self-defeating behavior (SDB) and sacrificing your long-term goals and dreams.

Make a list of those SDB's that might be keeping you from getting to where you want to be. They may include: procrastination, saying "yes" when you want to say "no," getting and staying involved with the wrong people. My first book, Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior (Berkley, 1995) is a good place to start.

Work on these behaviors one at a time. You may want to enlist the help of a partner who is also working on one of his/her self-defeating behaviors. Be patient and persistent. It takes 30 days for a change in behavior to become a habit and a minimum of six months for a habit to begin to become a part of your personality.