From affairs to bankruptcy to abuse to irresponsibility to
mid-life crises to drug or alcohol addiction — isn’t it
mind-bogging how nearly everyone going through it feels so
unprepared?
Maybe it’s the shock of how adoration turned to repulsion,
mutual respect to disdain and love to hate. It’s difficult to
accept that what you thought was the right thing to do, has
turned out to be wrong.
Or perhaps the thought of how a divorce adversely affects
young children can be an enormous source of worry, stress and
guilt. The maternal bond is the strongest attachment there is
and when you are a part of something that causes your children
so much hurt, it can be of the most upsetting experiences in
your life. TOP
Finally, the effect of losing all of your passion for the
person you once loved can make you feel inadequate. Nothing
kills off passion as much as feeling hurt, scared,
disappointed, angered, or betrayed — all of which are not
merely possible in a divorce, but are typical.
It is the combination of these factors that can have such a
profound negative effect on your career, relationships, spirit
and soul. You may think to yourself: “If I was wrong about my
marriage, how many other things am I wrong about?” or “If I’m
screwing up my children’s life, what kind of mother am I?”
Then as if all of this weren’t enough, you start having sleep
and concentration problems and become depressed and/or
anxious. All told, it becomes extremely difficult to function
on the job, in relationships, and to feel hope or optimism
about your future. TOP
Despite the nearly universal traumatic effects of divorce,
some women do survive, move on, fall in love again, and live
happily after. What distinguishes those who do well from those
who don’t? Those who have positive coping behaviors do better
than those with negative ones. Those that “heal” end up better
off than those that remain wounded. And those who move on
rather than stay bitter, depressed and feeling like a victim
have a much better chance for a satisfying life.
Negative and Positive Coping — the choice is up to you
Women who leave their marriage are more likely to have an
easier time coping, healing and eventually moving on. As a
woman who was divorced by her husband told me: “It’s better to
have loved and leave, than to have loved and be left.”
Next to the sense of failure in a divorce the worst feeling
is powerlessness. Women who leave feel as if they have more
power than those who are left. This can even out, however, if
the man who is left feels angry and becomes vindictive and
makes the divorce as horrendous as possible. Alternatively,
the man who does the leaving may feel some guilt and
responsibility for taking care of his rejected wife to ensure
that he ends up divorced and not a widower (if he thinks she
might do something self-destructive). NEXT
