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Escaping
Fort Brag
Husband's Rage
Dear Dr. Mark
My husband of
eight years is constantly making unreasonable demands,
yelling at me until I am just overwhelmed by his anger, name
calling and his threats to leave me and our son. If I try to
leave the house to escape his angry outbursts, he will block
the doors with his body and dare me to make a move. Other
times, I have become so frightened, that I am on the ground
shaking and crying uncontrollable. After being forced to
listen to his tirades for hours, I am unable to go to work
because I can’t stop shaking or crying. |
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After his outbursts in
which he sometimes blames me for everything bad in his life, even
things that happened years before I met him, he would turn around
and then act like nothing happened. Two or even three weeks will
pass and he is Mr. Happy and expects the same from me. He is often
angry when I enjoy myself or others do nice things for me. He is
outraged sometimes if I watch a TV program or smile at his family
members or my own. He has on several occasions blown up at me and
stopped speaking to me for days because I laughed with his sister.
He says that I need to put that effort into him and our
relationship. I spend so much time and effort doing things for and
with him but he is never pleased or even grateful. I readily admit
when I am right and wrong but I don't see myself as his downfall.
He got angry with me and told our four-year-old son, “ You better
hope that it never comes down between you and an Aunt or you (my
son) will lose out. Your Mommy will not do anything for you.”
Later when I asked him about that, he said it was wrong but I had
made him so mad.
He talks constantly of
his problems and my role in causing them. For hours at a time and
demands that I don't say one word. I was assaulted 3 years ago and
he never wants to talk about that or any of my needs. He has also
had two affairs that I know of and one that I suspect. This weekend
was the final straw for me. He once again began his tirade against
me and did it in front of our son. He then told me that I could not
leave the room that I was in and stood in the doorway to block my
exit. He dared me to try and push past him and steadily blocked
every move I made to leave the room by pushing me back with his
chest and arms. Finally I had to call 911 in order to be able to
move freely within my own home. The police said that since he did
not hit me, they could do nothing. Now he is calling me at work,
yelling at me for calling 911. He now states that I could have
gotten out of the bedroom and that I was wrong to call the police.
Is he crazy or am I
just a no good, unfeeling, lazy evil woman? I am so depressed and
always afraid to go home and face the music. His attacks are more
frequent and I don't want to expose my son to them anymore. He is
fearful of his father and excited whenever he goes away on
business.
I have to make a
change and need some advice on figuring out what to do next.
Right now we are attending counseling. We are in what I call the
“everything is all right” phase again. When he had his first
affair, I set up counseling and after three sessions he refused
to go. He was angry with the counselor for saying that the woman
he was having an affair with was doing something not acceptable
based on our marriage in having the affair. I recently found out
that he is having some type of contact (email and phone calls)
with this same woman. He bought home and left on the kitchen
table a copy of an email from her that said, “Just wanted you to
know that I am thinking of you.” He has her phone numbers
programmed into his Palm and cell phone. This other woman is now
married with one child. He admitted talking to her on the phone a
few times. The phone bill confirms that he has been talking to
her for a few months. His affair with her was six years ago and
he told me when I found out that I was pregnant. We had been
actively trying to have a child and his response to that good news
was Hey, I’m having an affair, don’t know if I want to be married
or a father.” It was a very painful time for me and I am not
interested in going down that road again. Is there any hope in
trying to work out this marriage? What can I do to make him stop
his rages? I need some clear-cut advice on what to do in the
middle of his losing control.
Boo Boo 66
(F) 35, Lee, VA
Married 8
years, 2 months
See Dr.
Mark's Advice |
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