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And by
making relationship difficulties the
other person’s fault, it relieves you of any responsibility in
having to make things better. You think, "They messed things up, so
they have to fix them."
Although there is some appeal to taking this "no fault, no
responsibility" position, it places you in a passive role that
steers you away from taking a preferable, proactive position.
Also, the more you behave like a self-righteous victim, the less
desirable and the more of a turn-off you become to your partner.
Soon your partner will begin to view you as someone who would rather
be right and self-righteous than make things better. Make sure that
you’re not winning the battle every time, only to lose the war --
and your relationship -- in the end.
The best way to achieve forgiveness is to stop thinking about what
you’re blaming the other person for and to begin focusing on
accomplishing important goals. To put the blame behind you, follow
these steps:
1. Ask
yourself what not forgiving is costing you.
2. Become clear in your mind as to exactly what the other person
did wrong. Also clarify what you would need from him or her in
order to feel safe in the future.
3. Ask yourself how you contributed to the problem,
looking at if from their point of view.
4. Tell your partner what you think each of you did to cause the
problem, why you each were hurt by the other's actions, and what
you think each of you need to do to prevent it from happening in the
future. Then ask your partner how he or she sees it.
5. Put it behind you. Take steps to build a satisfying life
for yourself, rather than expecting your partner to do it for you
and blaming him or her again when he or she messes up.
By
pushing ahead and creating a satisfying life, you will feel less
frustrated and less angry. You will be more willing to take
responsibility for your actions and your need to blame will
dissipate. On your way to success, happiness, self-esteem and the
esteem of others, you will not want to taint your happiness by being
ungracious. In essence, getting ahead in life will be more important
than getting even.
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