Dear EXASPERATED:
Ah, high-maintenance people! You’ve hit upon one of my favorite
topics and least favorite type of people. They are the slow-growing cancers in your life.
If you don’t recognize them early and learn to deal with them effectively,
they’ll metastasize through everything that’s good about your life,
professionally and personally.
I’m betting several names will pop into your mind as soon as I
mention their two most notable characteristics: they are difficult to please and easy to
disappoint. Other identifiable traits are their constant whining, complaining, pouting,
sulking, irritability and downright negative behavior.
TOP
Many of these people are in your life because you’re related to
them. Ironically, you may find yourself attracted to some and may bring them into your
life. Why would anyone set himself up for such misery? High-maintenance people appeal to
us because receiving love and appreciation from them feels much more special than it does
from their counterparts, the low-maintenance types. They’re the ones who are easy to
please and difficult to disappoint. These wonderful people freely give to everyone, so it
doesn’t seem like a big deal when they give to us.
When you receive love and appreciation from a high-maintenance person,
it’s something special. There’s only one small problem: these people don’t
really extend love and appreciation. At best, it’s a tease. At worst, it’s a
conscious manipulation. TOP
How should you deal with these energy vampires?
Here are some tips:
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• Don’t try to change them.
Let’s face it, you are no
match for them. Why should they change when they can usually get whatever they want from
you?
• Keep your interactions simple, clear and direct.
Know exactly
what they expect from you and what you can expect in return. And do expect something in
return. Otherwise your reward for giving to these takers will be not appreciation, but
rather the expectation that you will keep giving. If they become indignant and take a
haughty tone of "Don’t do me any favors!" then don’t do them any
favors.
• Gradually reduce the time you give them.
This will not be easy
if you’re one of those who sees the good in the not-so-good and continues to give
second and third chances to people who don’t deserve them. But if you don’t, you
will get burned out and start to avoid them. Worse yet, you may find them draining so much
of your energy that you start withdrawing from real friends.
• Assert your power by
putting
them in their place.
Next time they hit on you, say,
"I’d like to think about that." The next time they complain to you, respond
with, "I don’t know what to say — I wasn’t there and there are always
two sides to every story." Then watch them go ballistic and say, "Gee, I’m
sorry that’s so upsetting to you." Then get away.
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Start cutting your losses with high-maintenance people sooner rather
than later. You will discover vitality, satisfying friendships and a joie de vivre that
you may not have thought possible. It’ll also be a lot easier to get out of bed in
the morning.
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