14 Crucial Steps for Helping Your Wife Survive Breast Cancer
By a Husband Living Through It
"Honey, I have Breast Cancer"Nothing can prepare a husband for these words that when first uttered seem surreal. Mix in diverse personalities driven by egos, attitudes, cultures, mores and a multitude of other factors can and this soup of interaction functions more like an emotional roller coaster than a simmering caldron of comfort food. Yet any husband would be remiss in discounting any. Each of these factor forms the foundation of how we husbands analyze, behave and ultimately respond to the initial assessment of breast cancer. We're problem solvers. That's what we do. Our first response is how do I fix this? We go through to being given treatment options, the actual treatment on trough recovery. The problem is our logical approach and matter-of-fact facade fails to take into account emotions. Not only her emotions, but our own. And let's face it, emotionland is not exactly utopia to the average male of our species. The issue with the no-nonsense approach we men generally take to problem solving is simple. There is nothing logical about cancer. Everything about it defies reason. You can't bomb it, argue with it, expel it, reason with it and you can't really kill it. You can quarantine it sometimes, something known as remission. But even if it does disappear, the threat of it returning never leaves. Yet you know it's there, attacking with stealth and waging war upon the woman you most love in the world. That alone leaves a many feeling helpless...another one of those emotions we really don't like.
The fact is we're not helpless, but our role as her lover, confidant, protector and hero does require some slight modifications. I won't quell you with false reassurances. If your wife has just told you she's been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, you are about to enter one of those 'growth' stages that are life defining and life changing. How you react and what you do will determine if this makes you and your marriage stronger, or...
Let us focus on the stronger. Now that I have been living with this issue for awhile, I've noticed a few truths. In this article I share with you what I have learned and hopefully make your journey a little bit easier by saving you from some faux pas and other setbacks. As her husband, you should also be crystal clear on a number of truths. Some of which I state plainly, others are injected with a sense of sarcasm and humor;
1) This is not about you.
You are NOT the one devastated by this insidious disease and no matter what is going on in your life, this must be THE priority (stop whining about sleeplessness, broken limbs, other minor health conditions like acid reflux, a bad back etc…!
2) The physiological changes that brought this disease to the forefront are ongoing.
What I'm talking about is hormones gentlemen. Understand the changes, even for those unfortunate few young women that suffer from this disease in their teens. That would be you dad’s. Breast tissue responds to hormones, such as those that trigger milk production after pregnancy, elevated levels of estrogen, progesterone and other issues. Not only is she dealing with the cancer, she's also dealing with major fluctuations in her hormone levels. Remember how you felt going through puberty? Now triple that.
3) Any unresolved or underlying issues in your relationship will come to the surface.
Understand that any underlying problems in your relationship will be given a new light under a microscope of inspection as your wife searches for the “why me?” in the various stages of detection to recovery. Secondly, stress tends to make people short-tempered, argumentative, at times aloof. Add fear to that and you've got a storm brewing. Now add the financial aspects of paying for the medical treatments and the loss of productivity due to dealing with the disease and you've got the triple threat to your marriage: Physical, Emotional and Financial. If you had problems in any of these areas before, they will increase. Communication is your primary weapon. Planning is your foundation.
4) Do not expect intimacy (sex) any time soon.
If you must, take up a strenuous new hobby like body-building to move your mind to a positive alternative to lamenting the loss of passion and romance. This DOESN’T mean you abandon tenderness. In fact you'll need to double your efforts to shower praise on your wife’s every physical aspect that you enjoy. Forget that her breasts may be disfigured; that can be fixed. There really is so much more to every women than just her breasts! Consider this your private expedition to fully discover her in a new way.
5) Workaholism is not an option
Nor any of the other ism's that provide a temporary escape for you. She needs you present, thinking and your compassion. More than any other time, she need you to be her rock. Do not bury yourself in your work. Sure money goes a long way to helping sooth things with dinners, trips, baubles and even plastic surgery. No, let me be clearer, it goes a very, very long way! Inevitably though, the “stuff” that we buy her won’t mask the underlying questioning of EVERYTHING in her life and if you want to be with her in the home stretch. Invest your precious time on her emotional and psychological well-being. Stuff ultimately get’s put away in boxes, lost or given away. Whether suffering from breast cancer or not, in any relationship, buying stuff is only a bandage to the real issues in a relationship. I know first-hand!
6) Your children need you now more than ever.
Kids. Yup, you are about to find out you know squat about how to handle your children. You are after-all the dad. The go-to-guy for repairs, a hand in the kitchen, Mr. Money, the occasional disciplinarian and the giver of love, guidance and attention if you are one of the lucky ones. Most of the nurturing and day-to-day care fell into her realm so you're going to be navigating a whole new situation here. Consider it as such. Like kids between the ages of 16 and 24 that think they know it all and believe they are geniuses, that's where you are. Late teens and early twenties is the only time in our lives we are brilliant and legends in our own mind. By thirty we all realize how little we do know and how smart our parents were. When it comes to parenting, unless you've been a single dad, think of yourself as that cocky sixteen year old genius. You have no idea what you don't know, but you are about to find out. For me with five daughters, I seriously ran into reality!
Your relationship with your kids is up to you. Perhaps you are one of the lucky ones with a wife willing to support your relationship with your kids while she works on her own relationship (I won’t get into the minutia of how parental relationships change with the various age ranges of your children; that is another novel and has been written about in several times for sure!) Suffice it to say, follow her lead here as you will have to do in so many things related to dealing with breast cancer. Despite some men having it (even the gene for it that can be passed onto their offspring) breast cancer really is a women’s scourge. It is treated as such in the media and is promoted as such by those benefiting financially from it and philanthropies raising cash at a feverish clip. Don’t ever pretend that you understand how to approach this subject with your children. Make recommendations, be considerate and thoughtful, but allow her to take the lead. Most importantly, be available if your children need to talk. Teen-age boys specifically will find this issue very difficult to deal with and will be more comfortable discussing it with another man than with a woman.
7) The odds are Significantly in your favor that she will survive.
Breast cancer, of all the cancers has a high rate of survival and if you are in the United States, you are in the nation with the best possible care. The same cannot be said for other cancers and diseases. But on this one, you are in the best place.
Not much has changed in over 30years of treatment. Some improvements have been made in chemo drugs like Tamoxifen, 5FU and others. These newer versions are not as damaging nor do they deliver the significant side effects like hair loss, nausea, fatigue, etc…
Surgery on lymph nodes is being limited because physicians now realize that removal of significant amounts of these nodes doesn’t increase survivability in some cases. Radiation is now much more targeted than before, minimizing the side effects from all encompassing invasive therapies. DCIS, the most common form of Breast cancer (Ductal Carcenoma in Situ) has a survival rate of greater than 95%. The survival rate is contingent upon the stage at which the disease is discovered and a primary reason breast cancer industry promotes early detection. Traditional Western medical community is slowly adding alternative therapies into breast cancer regimens to help increase the recovery of weak immune systems. Next Page Ι Last Page
About the Writer
Lorne Caplan's wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010. He started his career in biotech and medical device financing, moving into spas, skincare and all things anti-aging related. This led him into his current focus on romance, passion and intimacy products and services. As a father and stepfather to five girls, his unique understanding of female physiology and mentality combined with his own personal experiences, allow for a unique and all encompassing perspective on these subjects. Lorne is a speaker and presenter. He has appeared on television shows such as Dr. Phil and is frequently published and quoted in multiple media outlets like Shape, and Spa 20/20.
