Yes, there’s life (and even love) after divorce”

How to Make it Happen

From affairs to bankruptcy to abuse to irresponsibility to mid-life crises to drug or alcohol addiction — isn’t it mind-bogging how nearly everyone going through it feels so unprepared?

Maybe it’s the shock of how adoration turned to repulsion, mutual respect to disdain and love to hate. It’s difficult to accept that what you thought was the right thing to do, has turned out to be wrong.

Or perhaps the thought of how a divorce adversely affects young children can be an enormous source of worry, stress and guilt. The maternal bond is the strongest attachment there is and when you are a part of something that causes your children so much hurt, it can be of the most upsetting experiences in your life. 

Finally, the effect of losing all of your passion for the person you once loved can make you feel inadequate. Nothing kills off passion as much as feeling hurt, scared, disappointed, angered, or betrayed — all of which are not merely possible in a divorce, but are typical.

It is the combination of these factors that can have such a profound negative effect on your career, relationships, spirit and soul. You may think to yourself: “If I was wrong about my marriage, how many other things am I wrong about?” or “If I’m screwing up my children’s life, what kind of mother am I?” Then as if all of this weren’t enough, you start having sleep and concentration problems and become depressed and/or anxious. All told, it becomes extremely difficult to function on the job, in relationships, and to feel hope or optimism about your future. 

Despite the nearly universal traumatic effects of divorce, some women do survive, move on, fall in love again, and live happily after. What distinguishes those who do well from those who don’t? Those who have positive coping behaviors do better than those with negative ones. Those that “heal” end up better off than those that remain wounded. And those who move on rather than stay bitter, depressed and feeling like a victim have a much better chance for a satisfying life.

Negative and Positive Coping — the choice is up to you

Women who leave their marriage are more likely to have an easier time coping, healing and eventually moving on. As a woman who was divorced by her husband told me: “It’s better to have loved and leave, than to have loved and be left.”

Next to the sense of failure in a divorce the worst feeling is powerlessness. Women who leave feel as if they have more power than those who are left. This can even out, however, if the man who is left feels angry and becomes vindictive and makes the divorce as horrendous as possible. Alternatively, the man who does the leaving may feel some guilt and responsibility for taking care of his rejected wife to ensure that he ends up divorced and not a widower (if he thinks she might do something self-destructive).

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