Guilty About Divorce

By Dr. Jayne Major

Dear Dr. Jayne:

I'm going through a divorce and feel so sad that my children are going to be raised in a  broken family. I feel guilty for bringing them into this world. I hate to see them suffer.

Guilty Mom, F: (38)

Sherman Oaks, CA

________________

Dear Guilty Mom:

I appreciate how sad you are that your marriage hasn’t worked out. You want the best for your children and divorce isn’t what you had in mind. However, you need to rethink what is happening. Instead of a broken family, how about a reorganized family? Words have a power. Parents don't divorce their children; parents divorce each other.

Divorce is the dissolution of the legal contract between a married couple. It means the transforming of a family, not the ending of the family. When parents separate, their family isn’t broken. Children still have parents. Parents still have children. Everyone still needs each other. Instead of thinking of the family as being broken, it is better to think of the family as reorganizing.

How parents handle the changes that occur in reorganizing will have a direct effect on how well the children and parents faire after the separation. While change is often difficult, it doesn’t have to be destructive.

Numerous studies have shown that when parents continue to fight over their children, the result is that the children have multiple adjustment problems. However, when parents are civil towards and work together in raising their children, the children can turn out as well as those from intact families. Divorce shouldn't be taken lightly as an easy solution to marital conflict. But in some cases divorce is far less destructive to children than if the parents stay together. 

A necessary part of family reorganization is to plan for how you are going to take care of your children. A detailed parenting plan becomes an absolute necessity. You need a plan that reflects the best interest of your children. Who is going to do what and when? Who is going to pay for everything the child needs?

When parents live together, this type of planning takes place routinely. Without a plan there will be cracks the children fall into. Obviously, anticipating child custody issues ahead of time is critical. By carefully planning how they will share their responsibility, parents can avoid future misunderstandings and conflict. A well thought-out and solid parenting plan developed early in the separation process will go a long way towards reducing conflict down the road. 

A good plan becomes a living blueprint that both parents can follow, update when needed and use as a point of reference when they have differences of opinion. A well-developed plan also serves as a tiebreaker when parents disagree, and thus reduces conflict and improves the chances of increasing happiness for everyone involved. The parenting plan is a document that can be revised and brought up to date as the children grow and as other family changes need to be addressed.

There are many important questions when planning how to care for your child after the reorganization of your family. Who will make what decisions? How will you share time with your child? How can you balance your timeshare and still allow your child to participate in life-enhancing activities? How will your child’s emotional, spiritual, physical, educational, medical and social needs be met? How will your child’s expenses be paid and by whom? A well thought-out parenting plan will help you figure out who is going to do what and when in caring for your child. Start with an outline and expand it as you think of the specific needs of your child. 

One result of careful planning is fewer mistakes. The parenting plan enhances understanding between a child’s parents and encourages discussion. It is a baseline that you can use to document your understandings. It keeps you – not a stranger – in the position of making decisions about your child’s life.

Sometimes it is tempting to turn over difficult decisions to someone else, to somebody who is an "authority," such as an attorney or judge. However, the overwhelming consensus of people who have experienced having someone else decide how to care for their child is that it is very troubled at best. No one else loves or understands your children like you do. A person who is a perfect stranger to you and your family will never be able to figure out things better than you can.

Feelings of anger and hurt can be overwhelming. These feelings are normal; however, when acted upon negatively they can be devastating to everyone, especially to a child. No one wants this. It is too painful.

Jayne A. Major, Ph.D.