WOMEN & DATING

Three Little Changes

that Ignite Your Dating Life

By the time I reached age 30 I'd had several long-term relationships, three marriage proposals and my share of frustration and heartache.  Though I had no problem attracting men, I wasn't attracting the type of men I wanted.  Inevitably I'd become disgusted with those I did enter into a relationship with.  I'd have to make sure the bills were paid. I'd have to make arrangements. I'd have to be the responsible one in the relationship and I'd have to enforce and make all the major decisions. I might as well have been at work 24/7.

In time I'd grow disgusted with each man and I didn't know why.  I was young, smart, successful…and completely frustrated. So why was I always attracting men who never seemed to do anything and expected me to be the lead in the relationship?  They were exhausting and left a horrific aftertaste, of well, contempt. 

It took me awhile to figure out how my interaction with these men made me feel and why I became disgusted with with each. What I learned is I didn't respect them. How could I? I had to be the man in the relationship and though I am a type A alpha female, I didn't want to be that in a relationship with my lover. I wanted to be seduced, cared for, nurtured and adored.  I wanted to feel like a woman.  I am a woman…so what in the H was I doing wrong? I'd have to move to Los Angeles before I discovered that answer.

ALL THE WRONG MOVES

As I would learn about a year after arriving in Los Angeles, the problem was me; or more directly, how I acted and responded. You see the alpha male, take charge, intelligent, successful, adventure seeking thoughtful and fearless man I am attracted to wants to date a woman, not a man with boobs or a woman with balls. He wants to be respected, make the first moves, drive the relationship and have the opportunity to earn that respect from me.  He likes a challenge and he likes to do little things to show he cares rather than be outwardly lovey dovey. By being a man with boobs, I wasn't giving him that opportunity. Yes, I made a great friend, but what he wants is a lover, someone he can care for, protect and who supports him. If he wanted to date men he would. So why was I acting like a man? Clearly, I needed to make some changes.

CRAVING A COVENANT

Dr. Pat Allen is the person who first introduced me to the concept of a covenant when I attended one of her weekly lectures in Los Angeles in 1997. It was understanding what a covenant is and how my actions were disrupting my own love life that ultimately lead me to change how I dated and led me to meeting three of the most amazing men in my life, one who became my fiancé. By understanding what a covenant is, I did a few small things that produced amazing results.

1. Leave your balls at the office

This is Pat Allen speak for 'Ladies, when you walk out of the office, leave your masculine take charge self behind if you want to attract a masculine take charge man.'

This is key if you're a feminine energy female like me and you want a mate you can respect. I stopped trying to be in control and sat back and let him decide where we went for dinner, make the first moves and be the guy.   Surprise, surprise…I realized I liked this and I'd wasted my twenties with lot of men who wanted me to take care of them and who I eventually lost respect for. By leaving my balls at the office, men looking to date a woman (rather than a female version of a man) started approaching me. The change in the quality and the quantity of interested suitors was dramatic.  Within three weeks of changing my behavior to focus on what I needed as a 'Feminine Energy Female' I started meeting men who actually impressed me, treated me well and I found myself wanting to go out with and seriously looking at as husband material. It was that dramatic.

2. Dress more feminine

Growing up in the 70s, women were trying to establish themselves as serious businesswomen and the clothes often looked like mens clothing. Women thought they needed to do this to gain respect. The fact is we don't. How you carry yourself, how you speak and how you behave gains respect.  Dressing like a man just neuters your femininity and robs you of using one of your best assets in business: charm.  I traded the dark colored IBM look for brighter colors, pastels, some ruffles and more tailored form fitting dresses. 

Va Va Voom!  Not only did I get asked out at least twice a week from men I met at the grocery, events, restaurants and whilst out and about, but my sales at work skyrocketed.  At the time I was selling advertising to the tech industries and a woman in a very male world.  Turns out I was a refreshing break from the usual sales people and the men made time for me.

3. What do you think? I feel...

Once I understood what a covenant is and what I needed in a man in order to respect him, I realized that I felt wanted, loved and needed when he did little things for me like installing new software on my computer, calling to say good night, going to 6 stores trying to find salsa without onions because he knew I hated onions and wanted to know how I was. This is nurturing.  The men I fell for were concerned about caring for me. They wanted to know how I felt, what was happening and if I was happy.

Of course getting to this required I do something drastic: let him talk and express his opinions first.  Oh man, this is tough for me. Not only do I have biology going against me, (the average woman speaks approximately 5000 words a day, the average man just 2000) but I'm an intellectual with an encyclopedic knowledge on dozens of subjects seasoned with very strong opinions backed by facts that pulverize the less studied. I'm known for this and my ability to debate and turn most arguments into mush, especially in my areas of expertise. I seriously enjoy debating, the more controversial the subject, the better.

And that is the root of my dating problem. I needed to shut up. My intelligence often scares men away. It's also a defense mechanism. Tempering it requires major effort on my part. I'm not touchy-feely so feelings aren't something I like to speak about. They're so intimate! Therein lies the magic. For a masculine energy man, sharing his ideas, thoughts and strategies requires trust and intimacy. He's opening himself up to criticism, judgement and condemnation. The same is true for a feminine energy female on feelings. She builds intimacy by sharing her feelings and having them validated by him. Both people get what they need. 

I began to realize this masculine/feminine energy thing had merit. By simply changing how I asked questions and responded to men by couching each response within 'What do you think? What is your strategy? Why do you believe that?' and 'That's interesting, what is your reasoning?' the men wanted to spend more time with me. Probing questions showed I respected their opinions and therefore respected them. When they asked what I thought, (dating scenario not business) I would tell them how I felt about their statement or strategy. In return, each man would want to do more for me, anything that would make me happy and want to spend more time with him. Then one day it dawned on me. By allow him to focus on his thoughts, ideas and viewpoint; he showered me with affection, intimacy, love and caring. That was really what I wanted. It took time to realize this but when I did, it was like I cracked the relationship happiness code. The truth was I wanted to be loved, cherished and admired.  That was what made me happy and that is what made me feel respected.  Plus, the more I explored how he thought, his ideas, his ambitions and his dreams, the more I came to respect him and the more comfortable I was with deferring to him on many decisions. That's crucial for me. When I respect a man it allows me to focus on what I want.  It is liberating and best of all, fulfilling.

Conclusion:

Does embracing a covenant and my feminine energy mean I never shared my opinions?  Of course not...and my friends would laugh you right out of the room for even suggesting that.  The masculine/feminine energy dynamic is most crucial in the first 6 months of a relationship.  Once you reach 6-9 months, you begin acting as a couple. At this stage you negotiate who is responsible for what and begin working on shared goals.  As each of my relationship progressed, debate entered.  By this time though we'd already established I respected him and that I wasn't trying to out-think, out-succeed or pulverize him.  The key is, I had to step back and let him court me rather than me chasing him. Part of that is allowing him to show he can be trusted, respected and depended upon and how is he going to do that if I'm always stepping in and doing it for him?

If my little story here sounds familiar and you are female, try implementing the changes I made. They work.  I also recommend picking up Dr. Pat Allen's Getting to I Do and The Truth About Men Will Set You Free…but first it will Piss You Off.  Oh, fair warning though.  Get the paperback versions because you will throw each book across the room several times before scurrying into the corner to retrieve it and start reading again. 

If you're ever in Los Angeles and want an enlightening night, Dr. Pat Allen still does her show, (the one that changed my dating life) at the Odyssey Theater on Sepulveda in West Los Angeles every Monday night from 8-9:30.

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About the Author: Laura Dawn Lewis is the Publisher and Founder of Couples Company and the author of  2012 Event, Editorial & Promotional Calendar, The Storybook Advent Calendar: 24 Stories for Christmas and the Laid Off Now What Series. She can also be found on LinkedIn.  

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