Narcissism

What It Is & How to Recognize It

By Laura Dawn Lewis

Lucky people avoid ever knowing or being under the influence of a narcissistic personality. Most people discover this personality or behavioral disorder the hard way through the living hell it makes of one's life. Referred to as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) by most in the medical and social fields, the nature of this disorder is difficult to diagnose and to date, impossible to cure.

Narcissism refers to collection of personality/behavior disorders that if you discover it, just walk away. Narcissists cannot love like normal people, but they can sap all the love out of everyone around them and create a living nightmare for all within their reach. For myself, I first discovered the devastation narcissism imparts on the self-esteem of those unlucky enough to find themselves in a relationship with this type of personality during college. However, I use the term, "relationship" loosely.

One of the by-products of narcissism illustrates itself through the inability to cultivate intimacy on any level but the three most superficial, that of physical, (liking how one looks or moves), aesthetic (attraction to similar tastes) and recreational, (shared activities). The higher levels of intimacy, those which make relationships solid and fulfilling including Intellectual Intimacy, (values, beliefs), Spiritual Intimacy, (morals and dreams), Emotional Intimacy (empathy, cherishing, respect and shared goals), Sexual (Giving and Receiving of Love) and Unconditional Love are unobtainable for this type of personality disorder.

May I Introduce Mr. Narcissism…

My first experience with narcissism came in the shape of a six foot three, gregarious and charming college senior I'll call Sean. Since we were both Marketing Majors and seniors, most of our classes were together; we saw a lot of each other. What I remember most about Sean is that special quality called charisma. A type 'A' personality, charisma oozed from every pour and like myself, he possessed ease with public speaking, persuasion and capturing an audience's attention, qualities I admire.

He was different than most of my other classmates. To begin with, he and I were the same age, in our twenties. Most of the other people were in their thirties and forties as this was night school and we all had real jobs. Soon Sean and I started dating, but I failed to notice the warning signs like the lack of gifts, never doing what I wanted or even asking what I wanted, using alcohol to get me in bed and then ignoring me once he got what he wanted. If something wasn't convenient for him, he couldn't be inconvenienced and he didn't care if it hurt. I should have figured it out when he stood me up for my birthday, but I didn't. I thought I was in love and he made a point of cutting me down whenever he could, usually propping himself up at the same time.

Narcissists love people like me at the time. My self-esteem with men needed some help and people with low self-esteem will try even harder to please in order to gain their appreciation and validation; this boosts the narcissist's ego while further humiliating the enabler, in this case, me. With a narcissist, this is a no-win situation. Narcissists care nothing about other people's needs and even less about assisting to elevate their self-esteem and self-worth. The worse you look, the better they feel. This validates their feelings of superiority.

Everything was about him. What he wanted, what he thought, what he liked, only the thoughts weren't his; they were borrowed from others. He simply regurgitated them as his own and insisting such within a habit of being grandiose and cocky. If something went wrong, the fault lay elsewhere, never with him. That spring, knowing how much I loved camping, he invited me to go camping…neglecting to tell me he was bringing another girl as well. What followed constituted the longest night of my life as he showered this other girl with attention, continued to put me down and then proceeded to engage in several hours of noisy carnality just ten feet away from my tent. Hearing everything and unable to sleep, I cried that entire night. At daybreak I broke down my tent and left, completely humiliated, yet wiser for the lesson learned. For the next five years, I immersed myself in therapy, self-help and self-improvement motivated by the fact I never wanted to feel that way again. It worked and I never have.

Later, I discovered what Sean's behavior represented the beginning manifestations of narcissism and counted myself lucky I discovered this young. Fortunately since, I've avoided dating or spending time with such people by choice.

Narcissism becomes visible in a person's late teens and early twenties, growing in intensity and cruelty as the narcissist ages. Unfortunately, no long-term treatments exist for narcissism; once it develops few narcissists will admit they have a problem since one of the signs of narcissism is the tendency to play victim and blame everyone else for any ill will, problems and incomplete or substandard work; most won't seek help. They consider themselves perfect.

A famous case of narcissism involves a former housewife, mother and socialite in San Diego, California by the name of Betty Broderick. Today a convicted murderer doing life for killing her ex-husband Dan Broderick and his new wife of six months Linda in the late 1980's, Betty's story illustrates the classic symptoms of narcissism in the movie, "A Woman Scorned" and its sequel, "Her Final Fury". Renamed 'Til Murder do Us Part.

In the movie, Betty's marriage begins to fall apart, due predominantly to her overbearing attitude, accu-sations of infidelity, sense of entitlement and self-perceived victimization and persecution. Rather than addressing the issues, her behavior goes from bizarre, (burning her husband's clothing and throwing a ring across the room because it isn't exactly what she wanted at Christmas) to callous, (dropping her young children off in the middle of the night and leaving them sitting alone outside without supervision or even knowing if her husband is home) and finally violent, (driving her car into her ex's house while her children are home, destroying family pictures and heirlooms and using psychological blackmail on her children for sympathy).

Throughout all of this, the harm she's doing to her children remains insignificant to her. How her four children feel, think or the effect her behavior has on them matters not. All that matters is hurting the cause of her perceived persecution, Dan and Linda. Ultimately she sneaks in the house and kills the couple while they sleep. Ironically, apologizing to her two eldest dollars a few hours later by saying, "I hope I didn't ruin your day. You didn't have anything special planned did you?"

Throughout the trial and even from prison, Betty continues to stress her persecution, her grief, her victimization at the hands of her husband and feels no remorse or responsibility for causing their deaths or the impact on her own children stating "There may be two dead bodies, but there are five victims, me and my four children."

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The Diagnostic & Statistics Manual, Rev IV Defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder AS:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;
Believes he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions);
Requires excessive admiration;
Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations;
Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends;
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others;
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her;
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Narcissism. What It Is & How to Recognize It. Part 2