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Five children are dead; murder
is the ultimate physical abuse.
Nicole Simpson is another example of an abused spouse whom
ultimately paid the highest price. Like many in her
situation, she made excuses or ignored the behavior once the
immediate danger had passed.
A person will only take so much abuse before something
snaps and he or she fights back. By the time this
happens, little can be done to salvage the situation. Farrah
Fawcett's chilling portrayal of the true story of an abused
wife in the 1985 film The Burning Bed illustrates what
can happen if a person is chronically abused and pushed too
far.
Domestic abuse, if left unchecked, never ends in happily
ever-after.
Male or female, if you find yourself in a situation where
either you or your children are being terrorized emotionally,
physically or verbally, here are the steps you need to take
NOW to regain and protect your life.
1. Realize it's not going to get better.
If your partner flies into rage, verbally or sexually
abuses or batters you or your children, no matter what he or
she may say, it isn't your fault, and you have no control over
his or her behavior. Even the abuser has very little control.
It is not just a one-time incident, it is an indication of a
severely disturbed character, and it will not go away without
years of intense therapy.
2. Protect yourself and your children.
The best way to do this is to tell the truth to family,
friends, your minister, your doctor, your therapist, your
co-workers, one of the hotlines listed below, the police and
anyone else who will listen. There is no need for you to be
ashamed, but there is an urgent need for you to get help. If
it seems that no one is listening, consider that you might not
be telling the whole truth -- battered spouses have a tendency
to downplay and make excuses for the abuse. The best
protection for you and your children is for your abuser's
behavior to become public knowledge. The vast majority of
abusers are cowards, who only prey on dependent, defenseless
people. They like to believe they are in control, and they
aren't as likely to lose control before witnesses.
3. Once you have been physically abused, never allow
yourself to be alone with the abuser again.
This is another reason to tell everyone you know. You
either need a place to go, or someone (perhaps several people)
to stay with you until you are safe. You may also need
financial help.
4. If you are hit, call the police (911).
They respond much better now than they used to, and the
law is now on your side. When they come, press charges. Do not
make excuses to yourself or anyone else. If your abuser gets
away with it even once, he or she will get more abusive. Do
not listen to pleas for sympathy, understanding or
forgiveness. You can forgive the abuser after he or she has
gotten help, and only after you and your children are safe.
5. If injured, get medical help.
Tell the doctors and nurses the truth about how it
happened.
6. File a restraining order.
Volunteers at the police department will help you fill it
out. With a
restraining order, you can call the police as soon as the
abuser gets close to you or your home. Without one, the police
need evidence of the abuse to arrest anyone.
7. Attend Al-Anon meetings.
You will learn a lot of good information that will help
you avoid being
someone else's victim.
For a safety plan and
step-by-step checklist for getting out of an abusive
relationship, click Action Plan. .
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