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Single?
How to spot
(and avoid)
a potentially abusive mate
By Tina B. Tessina, Ph D.
| Male or Female here are
13 proven suggestions that will minimize your chances of
ending up in an abusive nightmare relationship of
marriage. It's not always easy to tell which strangers are dangerous,
and which are not. Here are some guidelines for protecting
yourself and telling the difference. |
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13 ways to spot Abusers before they become lovers or
worse, spouses |
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1. Don't be alone a
new person too quickly.
And don't go to the other person's home or allow
him or her in yours, especially if you have children. Get to
know someone first away from your home. Rather, meet for
coffee or lunch in a public place, or in a group.
2. Don't drink on a
new date,
more than a minimal amount.
(No more than one or two drinks). Do not ride in
the other person's car, or drive him or her in yours. Be
alert, so you can evaluate this new person.
3. Resist
pressure.
A potentially violent person will be resistant to
your self-protectiveness, and may ridicule you or pressure you
to trust them. The more this happens, the more careful you
need to be. Pressure is a clear message that your new
"friend" doesn't value your feelings or your safety.
TOP
4. Don't let your
guard down too soon.
Stalking, date rape, and domestic violence often
show up later in a dating relationship. Potential abusers are
often extremely charming in the beginning, and tell you what
you want to hear. Be cautious if your date seems too good to
be true.
5. Use your
intuition.
If you get any internal warnings or uncomfortable
feelings, use them as an early warning system...pay very close
attention and find out what is causing your negative
reaction.
6. Make friends
first.
By keeping the relationship in the "friends"
category, you will know more about the person before taking
risks. If you feel pressured to go farther, see this as a
warning.
7.
Begin in groups.
By meeting people in safe venues and groups, you
automatically begin as friends, and know more about your date
before you begin dating. You also get the benefit of your
other friends' reactions to your potential date.
8. Learn to
recognize over-controlling or out of control behavior.
If your date wants to know everything you do,
drinks too much, or flies into a rage, those are danger signs.
If your date always talks about drinking and regales his/her
exploits when drinking, these are signs of an alcoholic or
someone on the way to becoming one.
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9. Pay close
attention
to your date's financial integrity.
Until you know he or she is trustworthy, only give
money (or possessions, such as your car) as a gift you don't
expect back.
10. Don't let
attraction
overrule your common sense.
Remember Ted Bundy, the charmingly handsome serial
killer with perfect manners, intelligence and sophistication?
Sexual and romantic attraction is very powerful,
and makes it difficult to think clearly. If you feel
overwhelmingly attracted to someone, slow down and take
your time. Your libido can't tell an ax murderer from a saint;
but your rational mind can.
11. Look for
integrity -
Make sure your date walks his or her talk. Anyone
can talk big. Actually, some of the best people *don't*
present themselves well - don't overlook someone who is not
gorgeous, charming and glib, but has all the qualities you
really need in a partner.
12. Be very
consistent and
careful about your sexual safety
Until the relationship progresses to the point that
you become monogamous, and both have been tested for STD's.
The nicest people can be infected with a disease and not even
know they have it. If you have had unprotected sex, have your
doctor do a screening for STD's. Don't assume your partner is
monogamous - especially if you haven't discussed it in detail.
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13. Know the signs
of emotional blackmail:
1. A demand.
Your date won't take "no" for an answer, and requests are
really demands.
2. Resistance. When
every discussion turns into an argument.
3. Pressure. Your date
pressures you to go along.
4. Threats. Your date
uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the
relationship, tears, rage, badgering.
5. Compliance. If you
give in, you're setting a dangerous precedent. Your date now
knows you can be pressured into giving in to him or her, and
this will increase the intensity of what your date is willing
to do to pressure you.
6. Repetition. An obsessive
person will go through these previous five steps over and
over, wearing you down each time. Be sure when you say "no",
it means no.
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If You Spot Signs of Trouble, Get Out- Quick!
If you find you have real reason to doubt this
person, and there are real problems, such as lying, severe
money problems, a history of alcohol abuse, violence, many
past relationship problems, a criminal record, reports of
illegal activities, or drug use, do not make excuses, and do
not accept promises of change. Change is difficult, and will
take a lot of time. Mere promises, no matter how well
intended, are not sufficient. Get out of this relationship
before you are any more attached than you are now. If your
partner decides to get help, let him or her do it because he
or she knows
they need it, not to get you back. That's not a strong enough
motive to keep him or her committed to change.
Don't Try to Reform Your Partner
Don't fall into the trap of thinking you can help.
Problems this severe require more than you can provide, and
your "help" may only postpone the real treatment this person
needs. Forget any idea of a second chance. Giving second
chances to people who have severe problems merely keeps you
from going on with your life, and sends you around the whole
disappointing cycle again.
TOP
Also See:
Self-defense for
Daughters Going to College!
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