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I have been with R.  for 6 months, and I'm very happy with him. He's what I am looking for in a mate.  Lately, though, especially if I've had a couple if drinks, I'm tempted to call my last boyfriend, W. This is a problem with R.  I think I call W when things are rough with R. I don't want a romantic relationship with W, I miss him like an old friend, but I can't resist calling him. Am I just in denial? Do I on some other level want W back? Am I afraid of truly committing to R so I act out and call someone who reminds me of good times and irresponsibility? Why am I allowing W to haunt me and occupy my thoughts?
Should I take time to get W out of my system, even though I know this will cause me to lose R? But I have already lost him ...right? Is my behavior abusive to R? Can I salvage my relationship with R?
Thank you,
Ghost Chaser, Female (25); Houston

Dear Ghost Chaser:

Alcohol can create a lot of problems when you're dating.  If you have a tendency to do destructive things when you drink, it's probably a good idea to give up drinking altogether. When you're not in charge of yourself, your thoughts and your actions, you need to do some work.  Start by quitting drinking, then exploring your own thoughts and feelings.   Before you can create a loving connection with others, you must be in charge of yourself. Calling an ex because you feel insecure in a new relationship, and then lying about it is obviously damaging to your new relationship.  Sometimes, discontent and destructive behavior happens because you are not really finished with the past relationship, nor ready for a new one.   Many people who believe they are happy in a new relationship betray their true feelings in by sabotaging that relationship.      Below I've listed the ways you can make sure you are ready for a new relationship.

You may not have lost this relationship yet, but if you don't clear up your
problems, you will lose it.   You need to sort out your thinking before you're going to be able to function appropriately in any relationship, with anyone.

You are asking me questions, but the answers lie within you.  Only you know what you're afraid of, and what is missing in this relationship.

Good luck,

Tina

Action Plan

Are You Ready for a New Relationship?

• Do your grieving - take some time after a relationship ends, before you begin dating again, to "let go" and acknowledge that the relationship is over.  Write about your feelings, talk to a sympathetic friend, or go for counseling to express and understand your grief.
  

• Analyze what went wrong last time.  Don't just look at the mistakes your partner made - look at your own contributions to the breakup.  Look for what you need to learn: to listen more, to communicate better, to have more patience, to control your temper, to build your self-esteem, to control a drinking problem.

• Know what you're looking for.  Do you want a partner who will talk about feelings? Do you want a 'relationship lite' (no heavy commitment; just a fun time)?  Are there special things you want to do together?  How do you feel about spiritual values, honesty and openness, monogamy? 

• Don't be in too much of a hurry.  Decide to take your time, and find the right kind of person before you settle down to one partner.  Give yourself a choice by meeting a lot of new people, and doing group activities before you get too involved with just one person. 
   

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