How you deal with the self-esteem tied to title or income is ultimately a personal journey because your objective is to discover who the real you is and you'll have to separate the facade from the fact.  For me, my journey had twists and turns I would have never guessed and put me in touch with an unlikely organization that provided the emotional support I needed and the spiritual reconnection I didn't know I needed. Here's my adventure. TOP

Laura's Story:

Failure was not a word I knew.  Until I turned 28, everything I touched turned to gold.   I could do no wrong and I had the arrogance, the title, the income and false pride to prove it.  I was the whiz-kid and I thought I was invincible.  Then, the company I worked for decided to cut expenses and revamp the commission structure.  My income fell in half overnight and my very first new home, which was in escrow, suddenly became unaffordable.  I had to withdraw my offer and eat the up front expenses.   But my adventure in humility was just beginning. 

The high income was just the first thing to go. 

Working for half as much money was not acceptable to me so in anger, I took another position outside of my field and quit giving two days notice.  My new boss was a tyrant and I soon began referring to him as "Little Hitler" because of his Gestapo tactics and his need for complete control.  Three months after I began, his need for complete control caused me to walk out, emotionally exhausted from his constant rampages and daily degrading of his staff...with no money and no future prospects.   For the first time in my life, I had failed at something and I'd have to sue the company to get unemployment.  I had no money, no savings, no unemployment and $3000 a month in bills.  I felt lost, alone and very frightened.  Still, anything was better than working there. But I was confused, feeling useless and needed people to talk to. And I needed to feel safe.

The Solution

A friend of mine was in Alcoholic's Anonymous and though I didn't have a problem, she thought I might benefit from the camaraderie and companionship. The idea offended me, but I said I'd be willing to go to Alanon meetings since I seemed to attract men with substance abuse problems and I'd like to understand it better. I also knew enough that in a crisis situation, like I was in, that adding alcohol to the mix would just make it worse.  TOP

Taking advantage of the twelve step system turned out to be a savior and the best way to learn humility and learn about myself.  It didn't matter what time of day or night, if I was alone and needed company, I could always find a meeting with free coffee and lots of people.  Most surprisingly, the people didn't talk a lot about alcohol.   They talked about the challenges of living and coming to terms with acceptance of who they really were.

The meetings turned out to be exactly the emotional support I needed and the program taught me introspection and humility.  I was able to talk about my problems and finally confront the fears that I had used arrogance and drive to hide. Most importantly, it brought me back to my faith in God, which I had abandoned in my teens.  

The people that impressed me I found, had this sense of peace about them.  I learned this peace was caused by inner spirituality. It was belief entrusted with humility and I wanted it.  In most cases, they were just like me.  At one time they thought they were invincible and suddenly they lost everything and had to build their lives up from scratch.  It takes a lot of guts to ask people for help, whether it be emotional, financial or educational.  It takes even more guts to start over again.  TOP

The Cure

My first step was asking for help in learning how to deal with my ego and feelings of worthlessness as an unemployed executive. I found a mentor at the local Alano Club and she gave me the job of cleaning the toilet three times a week and gave me the title of Chief Sanitary Officer (since titles were so important to me).  From that point forward, I was not allowed to talk about salaries or describe anyone by their title or occupation, only by their personality and actions.  If I did describe someone as their title, another week of toilet duty was added onto my sentence.  It took me four months, but I finally learned my lesson.

She also made me work the Twelve Steps, only my addiction was Arrogance so I started off my meetings with "Hello my name is Laura and I'm an ego-aholic.  My drug of choice is arrogance." 

To show my respect for everyone, I agreed not to drink during the time I attended the meetings, which wasn't that hard...especially since I was broke. In return, the group protected me emotionally, helped me shed my falsehoods and at one desperate time, they came together and raised one hundred dollars for incidentals and a grocery basket of food so I wouldn't starve. One day, when I was feeling especially worthless, the group presented me with a card where everyone had written in it why they liked and admired me.  And you know what? None of it had to do with money or what I did for a living. TOP

Employed Again

The job I went to after being unemployed during this period ended up being a step down for me in both income and title, yet I learned more in that position about people and my own fortitude than I had in a lifetime and I was grateful for the support of the program.  It was my safe haven and a place I could go to talk about what I was dealing with without judgment and without fearing it would get back to my boss.  Unfortunately I had gone from supervisor Little Hitler to management nightmare Attila the Hun.  Fortunately, though the two worst managers I've ever had were back to back, the rest of my career has been blessed with good bosses.

This humbling period lasted for two years and though it was the toughest period of my life, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I had to learn to live without all of the things that I had used to define myself, and I had to discover who I was without the title, the success and the money.  I had to learn to ask for help, and I had to learn to accept it, no questions asked.  The twelve steps are an immensely useful tool for overcoming any habit or condition.  They promote introspection, spirituality, accountability and humility.  Most of all, they give hope and an action plan for overcoming the problem. The bonus for me was that I learned what alcoholism really is and the warning signs are.  Because of this, I no longer attract men with substance abuse problems and that alone, was worth it. TOP

My journey took me into the world of the twelve step programs and helped me to understand not only myself, but why I was attracted to self-destructive relationships. I got what I needed, learned new coping skills and an empathetic understanding for people struggling with a problem.  I also gained significant people skills that I carried to my next position.  A position well above anything I could ever have dreamed.

If you are dealing with self-esteem issues tied to your title or income, consider this a wonderful opportunity to change your life for the better.  If you've got the courage to go through what you must and do the work, what you will gain in happiness later will be well worth the struggle you endure now.

Good luck and don't lose hope!  Thankfully, this situation is only temporary and soon, it will be just a memory.  Have faith and believe your life will be better for it and in the end, it will.   NEXT | BACK