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In the first edition of this article, I used extremes to illustrate how difficult it is to love unconditionally and how sanity requires conditions. The intention being that we all place conditions on our love, as instinct and self-preservation. These conditions help keep us out of danger and safe; unconditional is rather altruistic or utopian, not always wise. One of our readers wrote in with some excellent observations. This is the example I used: Can you forgive,
stand by and accept your partner, without reservation or regret if he/she:
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Molested or stole your children
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Killed you, your family or someone you love
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Robbed you of everything you have or destroyed everything
you have
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Decided to participate in a homosexual lifestyle
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Infected you with AIDS or any other chronic, terminal or
fatal disease
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Committed adultery, arm robbery or any other moral/criminal transgression.
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Became a terrorist or spy against your country
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Became a vegetable, invalid or mentally ill
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Lost everything and became financially ruined
For good reason our reader was alarmed. My attempt to show how ridiculous unconditional can get, without realizing some people would take my tongue-and-cheek extremism as instruction does cause problems. What I was trying to do was show good reasons (illegal, abuse) to leave with the common reasons people leave (money, illness) to illustrate how ridiculous the common reasons were when compared with good reasons. I
failed to do this effectively. The following is RM's response to the above question: As a graduate of Social Welfare at Berkeley and a MFT candidate in graduate school, I disagree with some of your statements.
A. Social
workers dread this mistake made by so many parents who are suppose to
protect their children. Many women or men stand by their partners who have
physically & mentally abused, burned, or tormented their children. A lot of
abuse goes unreported because ignorant people want to stand by their loved
one. When abuse is reported where social workers step in, it is sometimes
too late. You have to understand that these kids grow up never forgetting or
trusting people. It is all right to forgive someone who has hurt your
children, but you have to move on. It is important to keep in mind, children
depend on a parent or guardian to protect them at all costs and sacrifices.
If that sacrifice happens to be being without a partner until you find a
lucrative, safe, and healthy intimate relationship, then sacrifice!
B. If you stand
by someone who has killed your loved one but has never suffered from
schizophrenia, bi-polar disease or any other mental illness where they
thought your loved one was the boogie-man, then YOU need to admit yourself
to a mental institution.
C. Whether a
stranger or a loved one robs you and destroys everything you have, it IS a
crime, and one must pay for their actions. Material items can be replaced,
but having fear and mistrust takes time. It is an invasion of privacy.
People save up for their children's future college expenses, home repairs,
etc. A loved one is suppose to support your dreams, not try to destroy them.
D. You probably
could stand by your loved one if they became a terrorist or spy against your
country, but the CIA would probably question you why. I hope you have a good
answer for them. If you do not like the country that you live in or the
political system they support, then it is better to leave, than to put loved
ones around you at risk. IF the government thinks you are involved, it does
not matter if you were not involved. You probably just threw some ideas out
there, but most people do not question what is in print. Fortunately, we
give thanks to God, Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, and whomever teaches us that
you have to question what is wrong, right, smart, safe and conducive for all
mankind.
Touché!
Below are several loaded questions and some of our favorites to throw out on a second or third date. Why? Because they break through the façade and demonstrate the level of tolerance a person has for others, especially when it comes to children. Knowing
his or her threshold of acceptance and forgiveness early in the relationship gives you the
opportunity to decide if you are willing to conform to his/her rules or not.
The antithesis
of unconditional love is narcissism.
Questions
Exploring Unconditional Love
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Is there anything that a person can do that
you will consider being unforgivable?
What Your Partner’s Answer Means:
Tells you about his/her morality, values and what types of conditions
he/she places on his/her
love.
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Do you know any couples who seem to have
achieved unconditional love?
What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Points out
the type of relationship he/she aspires to and what about it he/she finds appealing.
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Do you think it is possible to love
unconditionally?
What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Points out the type of
relationship he/she aspires to and whether you will both be supportive of your children,
regardless of whether they become Charles Manson or Mother Teresa.
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You and your family have been invited to the
White House for dinner. Your teen-age son shows up with a nose ring, tattoo, and green
hair. What will you do?
What Your Partner’s Answer Means:
1) Tells you about
his/her morality, values and whether he/she places conditions on his/her love.
2) If he/she is willing to accept another for him/herself, regardless of what he/she
thinks of the choices the he/she makes.
CONCLUSION
The Stages of Intimacy are a guide. Relationships like
most elements within each of our lives are dynamic. At times your relationship will
have all or most of the stages present. At times
one or several may fall to the wayside. The best way
to use the stages is as a checklist for yourself. If your
relationship seems to be faltering, stagnant or unfulfilling,
reviewing the stages will help you pinpoint the problem.
Once you identify the problem, you have the ability to solve it.
If you are dating and looking for Mr. or
Mrs. Right, the stages are invaluable. First, they will
make you postpone sexuality until you can satisfy your curiosity
about a mate through 6 stages. Secondly, they will allow
you to isolate poor relationships objectively as you venture
into each new stage. Most divorces and poor relationships
could have been avoided through the stages. What many find
out about each other over years, a savvy dater can discover
within six to seven months, well before I do becomes I don't.
Through the stages, you can avoid heartache by helping yourself
discover what is missing and what is causing problems.
Stick with the stages and you will gain satisfaction, love and a
close intimate relationship unlike anything you've ever
experienced.
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