Stage Six
Emotional Intimacy

Covering Feelings, Trust, Security & Safety

any couples never make it to emotional intimacy because it is in emotional intimacy where you must accept the person for whom he or she is without reservation, flaws, irrationality and all. At this level, you feel comfortable sharing yourself without fear of repercussions. On a daily basis, both parties feel comfortable to voice and share their anger, happiness, secrets, sensual side and sexual feelings. You know you are loved and love your partner no matter how either of you feel or act.

Here's some common questions to start with:

1. If your car breaks down, after AAA, who do you call first? 

2. If you were fired today, where or to whom would you go to find solace?

3. If you just got a promotion, with whom would you most want to celebrate?

4. If a close friend died, with whom would you first share your grief?

PowerPoint
The Abbreviated Version of this Article Geared at Married Couples
 

If your partner isn't the person you'd think of in any of the events first, chances are, you haven't quite reached emotional intimacy with him or her.  It's about trust and letting another see us at our worst and our best...pretty scary stuff for most people, but critical to a long-term healthy relationship.  Parents especially need to focus on nurturing emotional intimacy with their children.

You & your partner achieve emotional intimacy if you can answer Yes to all of these situations:

1. In a state of personal fear, uncertainty or danger, your partner is your first call or the person you turn to for comfort.

2. Crying, showing frustration or anger in front of your partner is okay.  You know he/she will not see you as weak, psychotic, crazy or out of control.

3. You can speak about sex, secrets and your feelings without a fear of being betrayed, ridiculed, or compromised.

4. No matter what happens, you know your partner loves you and will not abandon you during a state of crisis, ill health or financial difficulty.

5. You show or tell each other often through words and actions that you love and respect each other.

6. Past wrongs are not dredged up in arguments to get even with each other.  The past is discussed, forgiven and left there.

7. Passive aggressive behavior and name calling does not exist in your relationship.

So what do you do if your relationship isn't quite here yet? Most couples aren't, while others have achieved some parts of Emotional Intimacy but skirted around the others.  Use this to identify areas you want to work on and discuss them with your partner.

Questions to Determine Emotional Intimacy

1. To a Woman: What does it take for you to feel safe in a relationship?
   
   To a Man: What does it take for you to want to grow within a relationship?

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Helps you identify the criteria that must be met in order for a relationship to grow.

 

2. Would you prefer that a person respects and admires you, or would you prefer that a person listens to your feelings and cherishes you?

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Tells you who is the masculine energy and who is the feminine energy (does not relate to sexuality or sexual preference). In order for a romantic relationship to be successful, one person must be male energy (respect) and one must be female energy (cherish).
 

3. Have you ever cried in front of a past partner? If you haven’t, did you think if the situation became such where you wanted to cry you could so without fearing he/she would lose her respect for you?

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Clues you into his/her ability to create and cultivate intimacy on a deeper level and whether past relationships have reached this level of trust.

 

4. What was the happiest moment in your life? What was the saddest? 
   
   What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Allows you to share in the telling of two pinnacle experiences of his/her life, which is emotional intimacy.

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